Blog - Essex Counseling Center LLC

Monday Musings: The power to be kind

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

In this fast paced world of smartphones, technology, and instant gratification it is possible to get so caught up in the minutiae that we actually miss the details. We might not notice the impact we have on others with an offhand comment, sideways glance, not holding open a door, cutting in line, not smiling back. We also might not notice the impact we have on others with a compliment, holding the door, allowing someone to go in front in line, or returning a smile.

Which impact would you rather have? Which impact would you rather leave? Make a decision every day to touch just one person, with a genuine connection. The world needs more kindness. I’m sure you have had a day where you could have used a little kindness. I know I have. Who knows what kind of day that person is having. Are they suffering from anxiety? Depressed? Grieving? Struggling just to put one foot in front of the other? You have the power to leave an impact on anyone at any time. You have the power, you can use it for good or for evil. The decision is yours.

Monday Musings: Negative Self Talk

I’m too short.
I’m too tall.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m so ugly.
I’m never going to get that job.
I’m not going to find a husband/wife.

Negative self-talk. We’ve all done it at some point. But persistent negative self-talk can become so ingrained of a habit that we can truly believe it. And that is a problem. Low self-esteem is linked to a negative image of oneself. If you think it, then you feel it.

Negative self-talk can originate in childhood from external sources such as a traumatic event inflicted by a parent, teacher, or fellow student. Negative self-talk can also originate from our own negative feelings about ourselves. Self-hatred is judging oneself cruelly, more cruelly than you would ever judge anyone else and will most certainly lead to anxiety and depression. This means that the actual situation we are facing may not be creating anxiety and depression, but rather the way we formulate our thoughts around the situation.

So what does this mean? This means that there is hope! To turn around those anxieties and depressions from negative self-talk one would need to do the reverse. Positive self-talk and compassion would be kinder, and possibly even more accurate than the negativities your brain was spewing. So try to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. You would never tell your friend, “You are not smart enough, sorry there is no way you are going to get that job you applied for.” So why would you tell yourself that?! You may tell a friend something like this, “You are just being nervous, calm down. You are smart so there is a good chance you will get that job!” See the difference? More importantly, feel the difference?

Monday Musings: Transgender

Transgender? Transgender.

What is transgender? We hear that word more today than ever before. There is currently an explosion in conversations with Caitlyn Jenner’s Vanity Fair article and photo shoot. Before Caitlyn there was Netflix show “Orange is the New Black.” There was before that the Golden Globe award winning Amazon’s “Transparent.” Before that was the movie “Dressed to Kill,” “The Crying Game,” “Boys Don’t Cry,” “Transamerica,” “The Dallas Buyers Club.” There is the Broadway show “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.” There have been many more movies and tv shows with transgender characters for decades.

And yet some people still ask what is transgender?

Transgender is defined as the state of one’s gender identity does not match one’s assigned sex. Imagine feeling that you are physiologically and spiritually one gender, but were born with the physical body of the other gender. How we identify ourselves consists of such things as gender identity, sexual orientation, age, employment, geographic location. How we identify helps to shape how we feel about ourselves, how we show the world who we are. So to have our gender identity not match with our assigned sex is confusing and painful to the self. But to come out can be confusing and painful. So what is one to do? Many transgender people go through a period of identity development through increases in understanding one’s self-image and self-expression. The degree to which individuals feel genuine, authentic, and comfortable within their external appearance and accept their genuine identity is referred to as transgender congruence.

Caitlyn Jenner, among many other men and women, have come out to their friends, families, and the world as transgender in order to be their true self with which they identify. She is brave enough to utilize her fame in order to spread the word not only about who she is, but also about being transgender. The increase in Googling and conversations around the world can help to increase the bravery of many others who have not yet come out as their true self.

Monday Musings: Love yourself

“You cannot truly love someone else until you love yourself.”
“First love yourself, others will come next.”
“Be who you are, or you will never know who really loves you.”
“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.”
“Stop hating yourself for everything that you aren’t, start loving yourself for everything that you are.”

There is a theme in the messages adults so often say – be yourself, love yourself. It must be pretty darn hard to be yourself if there are countless sayings, movies, songs, all with that message right?? The truth is though…it is a lot harder to keep playing pretend and keep spending energy keeping up a facade. It takes bravery to drop the facade and expose yourself, the real you. But once you have you are free to just be.

This is a message we try to teach children who are picked on in school; who did not make the team and hate themselves for it; who didn’t get accepted to the same college their peers did; who experienced their first relationship breakup. If we teach youth this important message and try to help them to believe it, shouldn’t we teach ourselves the same?

This is a message we try to teach children who follow the crowd to fit in even if it doesn’t make them happy; who see the tall, skinny, blonde model and hate that they do not look like that; who are so afraid to speak in a group of friends since they are desperate to not be judged. If we teach youth this important message and try to help them to believe in it, shouldn’t we teach ourselves the same??

This is a message we try to teach children who are changing their wardrobe repeatedly to follow the latest trends; who feel pressured into trying drugs, alcohol, or sex since “everybody else is doing it;” who choose people pleasing others ideas at the risk others won’t like their ideas. If we teach youth this important message and try to help them to believe in it and believe in themselves, shouldn’t we teach ourselves the same???

Monday Musings: Thought Cycle

Thoughts -> feelings -> behaviors

Ever been stuck in a thought cycle that’s keeping you down? I bet you have, and you may not even know it.

Thoughts -> feelings -> behaviors

Now really think about it. Our behaviors are usually driven by what we are thinking and how we are feeling. Most of the time this cycle goes by so fast we don’t even realize it. So… The good news is that if we recognize that one piece of that thought cycle is not working for us, we can do something to change it. By just tweaking one piece, just one thought, or one behavior, we have now broken that chain. This better thought or better behavior means there is a hope of feeling better. Yey!!!! Now is the time to get off that carousel.

Not going to lie here folks, this is not an easy process. Humans tend to be creatures of habit, which means change is hard. However, if you want it you will work for it and then you may achieve it. So keep in mind that we are not asking ourselves to change who we are. That is HUGE and unnecessary. You rock! But there is always some room for improvement with our thoughts or our behaviors to help ourselves to feel better.

Let me show you this process with an example. John is working his 9-5 job for a couple years and thinking that he could be happier at a new job. John would like to change jobs but he’s anxious about trying and so filled with negative talk that he feels it impossible to leave the comfort zone of his current job. He has talked himself into feeling stuck and, therefore, does not apply for any jobs. And because he has not applied for any new jobs he remains at his old job, feeling unhappy. And so the negative thought cycle continues….

Now tweak this thought cycle just a little bit and see what happens:

John thinks that he could be happier at a new job, and recognizes how anxious he is feeling to try for a new job. He stops his worry thoughts from paralyzing him with fear. Instead, John remembers all of his accomplishments to at his job, the promotions, the bonuses, the team he led, the pitch his boss approved, etc. and he uses those positive thoughts to build his confidence, as well as build his resume. Now in that headspace he can feel more confident, and actually apply for a new job!

Monday Musings: Choices

“I am not what happened to me. I am what I become.”

We cannot control other people’s actions, natural disasters, attacks, traumas, death, heartache. So stop trying! We can only control our choices in how we deal with the situation. Anxiety tells us, “We cannot handle whatever happens next, so let’s worry sick about it. That will do something.” But that is not true! We can choose to move forward and be.

It is a choice to put one foot in front of the other. It is a choice to ask for help. It is a choice to move forward from the pain and become a stronger version of ourselves. We are human so we have naturally emotions. We will never be robots who are emotionless, so that is not the goal. Have your emotions and process through them. Find strength and comfort in what speaks to you: art, friends, support groups, therapy, exercise, volunteering, …

What happens to you does not define who you are, how you respond to it does. Go be you.

Monday Musings: Happiness

“Happiness starts from within.”

“You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.”

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”

“Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get.”

“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.”

“Happiness is not a destination, it’s a way of life.”

The list goes on and on.

What do all of these common quotes have in common? They are common for a reason!

Many people intellectually know that they are their biggest road block to being happy. That is the most frustrating part! We can see how we do not like things in our lives, but we can’t slow down long enough to change them. That is because knowing and doing are two different things.

So next time you see that you made a choice that was not in your best interest, and ultimately not towards your happiness, do not beat yourself up and sink further and further into that dark hole. Instead use that one choice as a learning opportunity about yourself. If knowing is the first step towards doing, you are now that much closer to the change you want to be. So keep learning! You are a fascinating creature, there is always something else you can learn about yourself if you slow down for a minute.